Take what you know and throw it out of your mind. We’ve been submerged in a culture who idolizes sex. Its present in subtle innuendos, captured and shared on the big screen, placed in magazines, stitched into clothing. Our very idea of sex is directly linked to what makes us beautiful a.k.a worthy.
Our understanding of sex is completely messed up just by living in our culture. We can’t escape it. Regardless of whether or not you have had sex before, you have some idea of it, an understanding and expectations, and that is everything.
If your understanding is not based in truth IT WILL CRUMBLE beneath you and you will be left empty. But if it is based in truth you will be able to stand, for it will hold you.
My hope is to lead you to that truth. To help you gain a real understanding of what sex is and isn’t. Wisdom from the One who created it and one who has experienced it, not one who has conquered it. I do not consider myself to be an expert, but a mere learner. I don’t give advice just encouragement.
My own understanding crumbled underneath me and I crumbled with it.
I grew up in a “Shhh” don’t talk about it house. I had little actual conversations about sex. All of my understanding came from what I saw, what I heard and what I experienced, which was not based on truth but in popular culture.
I crumbled. It wasn’t at all what I was expecting and I had little understanding of it. It was a big area of conflict between my husband and me.
This “supposed” beautiful thing was only tearing us apart. Part due to my faulty understanding.
Although I know more now, I am not expert. I know very little. I find sex and marriage to be a complete mystery, a depth that I will never reach here in this life time, but I will continue to strive to understand more and more.
My hope is that this would encourage you wherever you are at. You’re not alone. My hope is that this would strengthen you and push you to seek closer intimacy with the Lord and your husband.
So here it is, all the things that I didn’t know before that I wished I would have.
1. Sex can be awkward and uncomfortable
It’s different for everyone so I will not presume to say that this is true for everyone but I believe that it is important to know. It’s not as natural as you would think, it’s a learned kind of intimacy, so therefore on your first night together it’s bound to create some uncomfortablness to varying degrees.
That may stop at the covers. It may stop during or after, or it may not stop. It’s ok. It’s ok that it is a little awkward that it may be uncomfortable. For some it may even hurt. Just go in knowing it’s not going to be perfect the first time. It may not even be “romantic.” That’s ok. You’ll get there.
Sex is like wine, it get’s better with age (and practice). Ha, who knew you would have to practice having sex?
Just be honest, enjoy each other and know that it’s “rarely right” on the first time. Speak to one another, communicate always. The point of sex is not to “do it” but to enjoy one another, to experience freedom and oneness.
2. Sex is Good.
In a Christian world where sex is not talked about, this is hard to believe. I had a very difficult time with this myself. Sex is good? All I was ever taught was that it was gross, everything about it was gross,
“Close your eyes you don’t need to see that”
“That is inappropriate”
“Don’t talk about it…”
No wonder I had a hard time with this one. But it’s true. Sex is good, God made it so. It is meant to be enjoyed, to be exciting, to be adventurous, to be fun. Sex is good when experienced in a Godly marriage, where both husband and wife are committed to one another, sacrificially loving one another and serving one another. In that space, sex is as it was meant to be, good, a good and gracious gift given to us from our good and gracious God.
3. Sex is for your pleasure and the pleasure of your spouse.
Along the lines of the previous truth, sex is for your pleasure. It is meant to be fun, exciting, and pleasurable. For me, it took awhile to get there. I didn’t understand, I was ashamed at my inability, my “brokenness.” But by the grace of God, I now know. Sex is to be enjoyed.
You are supposed to enjoy one another, to crave intimacy, to connect in such a way that is transforming and pleasurable.
4. Sex is necessary
Again, this was hard to believe. Since I did not enjoy sex to begin with, I hardly saw it as a necessary thing. But the longer I have been married the greater this realization has become. Sex is necessary. Life is messy and it tends to get in the way at all the wrong times.
B and I fight to be on the same page, to understand one another, to care for one another. But, we fail time and time again finding ourselves having wandered so far and the distance built up. It’s sex that draws us near, that binds our wounds, that forges our souls to align.
I can’t explain it, I just know through experience that a healthy marriage, one where two people are doing life together, on the same page, caring for one another, sacrificially loving one another, frequent sex is a huge component.
5. Sex is beautiful
There is something extraordinarily beautiful about two souls mingling, connecting in such a mysterious way. There is nothing quite like it. I have little words to explain what I’ve experienced. But I know that it is no mere coincidence that the Bible uses the language one flesh.
When two become one strength is given, darkness is cast out, light appears, hope blossoms, truth conquers and lies flee. It has power, to connect or to destroy, but it cannot be contested that it is not beautiful. Because out of, beautiful things flourish.
I don’t know where you are at. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I do know that no matter where you find yourself, that no matter how dirty or clean you feel that the Lord wants you. He wants to walk with you, to grow you and nurture you. He wants to carry all of your burdens in exchange for his sweet and tender love.
There is a lot hurt in this world, and a lot of it stems from the perversion of sex. There are a lot of instances where sex is not good, pleasing, or beautiful. Sex itself does not change, but the situations that it is experienced in are tainted; pornography, sex outside of marriage, prostitution, sex slaves, sex as a form of punishment etc. If having had experienced any of this, I would have had an even harder time believing sex could be good, or anything good could come from it. But that’s the beauty of our Lord. He takes even the most vial acts and transforms them into something beautiful; he takes bad and makes it into something good.
My hope and prayer is that Jesus would enter into your life in an extraordinary way, lifting any burdens you feel, washing any shame you hold so that you may feel radiant, loved, and cherished because you are, that’s how He sees you.