Rock Bottom

Most days I was exhausted. Planning a wedding was hard tedious work. The to-do list seemed to be forever long and ever increasing.

B and I had found vests that we liked online for the groomsmen. We let each boy pick out his own vest. The hard part was finding pants to match. Unfortunately in the middle of winter, just plain old brown pants were nowhere to be found. My mom and I searched FOREVER trying to find brown pants. When we finally found some, we bought all of them because we weren’t sure what size everyone needed.

The outfits were bought and the wedding party was set. Next we had to make decisions on the food. This was an easy one because we had to pick from a list of caterers that the Lodge worked with. The only option on the list for us was Old Carolina Barbecue. There is nothing better than BBQ pork, green beans and mashed potatoes! We sat down with a representative from Old Carolina and picked out our food. The harder part was the colors for the table clothes and napkins, since Old Carolina took care of that too for us.

We were on our way to having a wedding and slowly checking things off our list. It felt good to have things coming together but deep down, below the surface I was worried.

At this point in time I was finishing my sophomore year of college and B was taking criminal justice classes from a local university. He was looking for a job, you know cause we were getting married in SIX months.

None were found.

He had been looking since December at least and all the applications, the interviews, turned out nothing. The previous summer he had worked with his uncle as a lumberjack and that was always a possibility but it was only summer employment. We needed something long term, something full time because when August rolled around I would be a full time student.

This kept us both up at night, B more than me. People’s voices rang loud in our ears. The opposition, disapproval, concerns ran like a list of credits at the end of a movie in our heads.

Your brains aren’t fully developed till your 25.

You haven’t even finished college.

Don’t rush into things.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

This isn’t a smart decision.(never said but always insinuated)

How are you going to live? How is he going to support you?

Establish yourself in the work force first, get your feet under you.

You’re just kids. 

Yeah, just kids with no job, no money, no income, no way to support ourselves and the wedding was just months away.  

What in the world were we thinking? How in the world was this going to work out?  

It didn’t seem possible. We ran the numbers. We had a plan—THIS WASN’T IT.

The anxiety, the pressure all built up and lodged itself on B. He was stumbling under it, a burden so heavy that it caused sleepless nights, nightmares and even depression.  

B wasn’t doing well. I prayed, we prayed, we talked but I could not lift the burden, I could not fix where we were at.  

We were out of options, strung out on a line—another hopeless wave crashing over us.

After months of living this way, we finally made an appointment with his doctor to help the depression and insomnia. I remember sitting in the waiting room. We had just talked outside in the car. I had met him there, barley making it back from wherever I was. This was like a top secret meeting. Hardly anyone knew about it. We felt like we had to keep a secret, keep it under the radar. Depression, insomnia, those aren’t pretty topics, especially before a wedding. B was a mess.

No one likes messy.  We all hide from it, putting make-up, fighting off tears, putting on clothes, planning events, talking around things and at people. But we could not hide from the truth. We had no control over our situation, not even a shred. Moments like this scare the hell out of you, but bring your knees before a sovereign and mighty God.

They called us back and we waited in a small room. I felt privileged to be sitting with B, though I was of no help. Medical issues are so far out of our reach. I can’t control them, I can’t fix them, I have no power over them and so I greatly dislike them. 

The doctor came in and immediately started talking with B. He had been his family doctor since B was little. He showed genuine concern and sincerity. I was comforted. He asked what was going on and why we were in that day. It took a while to coax straightforward answers from B but eventually it was all out in the open. Our wedding. No job. Little support. School. Everything.

He listened and gave us relief. There was no condemnation, no accusations, no opposition, just support and genuine care.

He prayed for B and I. For healing, spiritually, emotionally and physically. He prayed for strength and wisdom. It was a beautiful moment.  I never had a doctor before pray for me. 

He prescribed medicine that would hopefully help B sleep and medicine that would clear his vision, lift some of the darkness off his soul. He also prescribed a book.

He gave the prescription to me. On the note was a title, When Sinners Say “I Do.” He said this book helped his marriage. It tore away the veil of what marriage is seen to be, to what it actually is. He wished he had read of it before he and his wife got married and bi-passed some of the things they went through.

I was intrigued. I had never been prescribed a book by a doctor before. And of course, I ordered it right away—anything to help. B and I ended up reading it together. He had one copy and I had another. We would talk through the chapters. I found it to be refreshing, hopeful and honest. Looking back now, I am so thankful we read it before our wedding. (Click here for more about the book.)

We walked out of the office feeling a little bit lighter.  We still felt stranded in the desert with an ark. We had directions to build it but we were waiting for the rain. We were thirsty, hopeless eyes strained from looking, waiting. But the rain was soon to come and it might of just been me, but that day I felt a drop.

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  1. Jennifer says:

    What a tender and transparent testimony you’re sharing here! I have no doubt God is using it to bless many. I’m glad you linked up with us at Grace & Truth!

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I love a good plain t-shirt, pizza, snuggling with my dog and hanging out with my husband. My mission? To speak truth and grace to help encourage other women to know they are never alone.

I'm Sarah Jean.

I’m the girl who came to realize the freedom in not being the author of my story.

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