For the Wife Who Struggles To Enjoy Sex



You’re not alone.


Hear me. I know the darkness you feel. I know the lies you hear, the questions you have.


What’s wrong with me?

Why can’t I enjoy it?

Will I ever enjoy it?

Do I just have to tolerate it?

Is this what it’s supposed to be like?

Am I the only one?

Why doesn’t it come natural?


You are not alone.


The media portrays sex to be this incredible, all pleasing, completely satisfying, enjoyable, lovely thing.

It wasn’t lovely for me, not at first, not for awhile.

It was awkward, uncomfortable. I felt ashamed and exposed. It was not enjoyable. It was anything but incredible and I felt like an idiot, like there was something wrong with me.

This thing, this beautiful moment that was supposed to be was RUINED, because of me.

It created a lot of tension between B and I. It created distance where we were once close. Pain where we were once excited. I felt alone, incredibly alone because I was the one with the issue and apparently everyone on the planet was enjoying it—or so it seemed.


You’re not alone.


The untold truth is that it’s a learned thing, sex. It’s not as natural as you would think, at least not for everyone.

But it is beautiful— I promise.

There is light for you, there is pleasure and joy to be had and YOU WILL FIND IT. Just don’t give up hope.

Don’t turn away, don’t try and hide. Sex is supposed to bring you and your spouse closer, it is supposed to create intimacy and it can even for you.


Don’t give up.


You have to let go. Let go of any thoughts of what you think it should be like. Just figure out what it is. Enjoy what you have.

Stop focusing on you and turn your focus on your spouse, enjoy him, take him in, give him pleasure. Sex is not a selfish thing. I believe it’s actually one of the most selfless things you can do. Enjoy the moment, whatever it is.

Sex is not about an orgasm. This was the hardest for me to believe. It’s not even about pleasure. It is about intimacy with your spouse, enjoying one another, focusing on them instead of you. So what you didn’t get there, it’s ok. You have your whole life ahead of you. It get’s better with age, like wine, contrary to popular belief.

Don’t beat yourself up. It’s a process. For me, it was a year. A whole year of darkness, of struggle, of isolation and fear. But in that year, we grew, we became closer. But more importantly, I grew closer to the One who created me.

He taught me that I am not a mistake. That there is always hope. That He is good and He wants good for me. That His timing is perfect. That He is the only thing that will satisfy.


You’re in a trial and the temptation is to give up and believe the lies. But you don’t have to. You’re not alone, know that.


Even in the darkest of moments there is hope, hope that it will change, that it will be as it is supposed to be, hope that good will come from it. God works in hope, is hope. Hope is never lost.

Take each moment as it comes. Enjoy and pray through the rest.


-From Someone Who’s Been There 



  1. Claire says:

    Thank you.

  2. Sarah says:

    Wow. I’m so glad I’m not the only one. Thanks for posting & being real.

  3. Cat says:

    Thank you for this post! Reading your words was like God speaking to my heart. I am in somewhat of a different place. I USED to like sex. A lot. I have 4 kids and our last (sadly, our very last) was a rough pregnancy, scary delivery at 31 weeks, and a 47 day NICU stay. I thought that I was broken from my surgery, but I was recently diagnosed with post partem depression. I realized that sex wasn’t all that I wasn’t enjoying. It wasn’t a mechanical thing, it was an emotional thing. I talked to my husband (and PLEASE Ladies, if you are uncomfortable talking to your husband about sex, do it anyway until it becomes comfortable because there will be times when it seriously needs talked about to work things out) and we have agreed to abstain until I am feeling a bit better, which won’t take long with the progress that I am making. The reason is because it was physically painful for me. My depression was wreaking such havoc on my body that I couldn’t relax and the more it hurt the more I tensed up. If you are new at sex and don’t like it particularly, that is one thing, but if you are having painful sex that doesn’t seem to get less painful, talk to your gynecologist or even your general practitioner. After our first baby, when I was nursing, the simple recommendation of liquid KY from mine saved our sex life. You see, breastfeeding causes dryness. Anyway, just saying that this post is wonderful and needed, but in case someone shows up here because sex physically hurts for you every time, I wanted to encourage those women to not remain quiet, but speak up to their doctor to avoid continuing in pain when there may be a solution to fix it. Thanks again, Sarah!

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I love a good plain t-shirt, pizza, snuggling with my dog and hanging out with my husband. My mission? To speak truth and grace to help encourage other women to know they are never alone.

I'm Sarah Jean.

I’m the girl who came to realize the freedom in not being the author of my story.

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A mid-western girl who learned the freedom in letting go of my plans and walking in His. My goal is to encourage others on that path and point them to Him.

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